This entry is part of the Diary of an Anime Lived series.
“He married, furnished a house, bought a writing-table, got everything in order, but found he had nothing to write.”
- The Note-Book of Anton Chekov
By this time next year, I won’t be living in Japan anymore. I might return to America, or maybe somewhere else if it strikes my fancy. But either way, come next summer, I’m moving on. C’est finis.
It already feels a bit sad, because I’ve grown rather attached to my life here. But that’s why I know I can’t stay, really.
Spice and Wolf has been on my mind lately. If you haven’t seen it, it’s about a medieval merchant who travels with a harvest goddess, the Wise Wolf Holo, who wants to return home after having spent several centuries watching over a small village. It’s great fun, especially if you’re interested in pre-modern economics. But what really sticks with me is the romance between Lawrence and Holo, and how it develops in the second season.
(Warning: Spoilers ahead. Skip past the next picture to avoid them.)
Holo suffers nightmares wherein she’s forced to make a choice: Lawrence is on one side and her wolf kin on the other. But when she runs to Lawrence, she finds only a skeleton in the snow. It reads like a pretty straightforward “immortal faced with mortal love” dilemma. Luckily, the storytelling in Spice and Wolf is more complex than just that. Like dreams in real life, there’s more to it beneath the surface.
You see, as she tells it, Holo’s fear isn’t that she will live on while Lawrence will one day grow old and die. She’s ancient, after all, and she’s used to seeing brief lives come and go. What actually haunts Holo is the day when everything will cease to be fun, when being with Lawrence will just be a chore. Death is one thing, but she doesn’t want to face the day when love ends.
Eventually, Lawrence makes a critical decision: Having danced around the issue since the day they first met, he finally confesses to Holo that he’s in love with her, and that he’s more willing to take his chances than he is to let her go. Even if her fears prove true and they eventually part ways, that’s better to him than giving up hope in the here and now.
And as dawn breaks, they leave town hand in hand, continuing their uncertain journey. It’s a beautiful conclusion; I could watch it again and again.
Funny how times change. Last autumn, when I was lonely, homesick and sick of this job, watching that moment convinced me that I needed to give my life in Japan a chance, to see what time might bring. And actually, that decision worked out rather well! Tottori feels like home now, and I’m more comfortable in Japan than I’ve ever been. But that’s just the thing—I’m so comfortable in Japan, and I’m tempted to stay exactly as I am now, not changing or challenging myself.
I hate moratorium. NEETs, career slackers, the so-called “boomerang” culture of eternal do-overs… It makes me sick. Don’t these people realize how precious our time is? Our youth and dreams? But I’m just another textbook case, and that’s the worst part: Look at this lost and confused expatriate, floating in a quarter-life crisis limbo, wondering when exactly he lost sight of who he was. How utterly typical.
What I really fear, like Holo, is that one day I’ll wake up and realize that all the fun times have gone. Unlike Holo, I imagine myself as an old fart, a square doing dead-end work, who ended up there because at some point he felt “comfortable.” The thought is unbearable.
If I wanted to, I could stay in Japan for a long time. The program I’m on offers five years by itself, and work in the private sector is theoretically endless. I could have it pretty good in Nihon… But I can’t settle for “pretty good.” I just can’t. Even if it means going out into the unknown, I have to keep moving and never stop, because I feel like the moment I do is when I become the walking dead and it’s over.
In other words, Lawrence right now is telling me to start getting ready to pick up sticks.
Now, what do I really want to do? Don’t laugh, but I want to be an artist. A writer. For that, I could go back to university to do a MFA, or I could move to a third world country, rent a studio for a pittance and disappear until I have a novel or two ready. There are options. But the point is, as much as I enjoy being an eigo sensei, it’s with the understanding that the clock is ticking, and that soon it will all change again.
I don’t actually know what I’m doing. But I’m going to fake it ’till I make it, because that’s the only choice we have.
Everything is as it should be. The journey continues.
September 13, 2010 at 10:22 am
What’s stopping you from writing where you are? You have word processing resources, cultural stimuli and a host of interesting challenges. Working with young people is also very good.
If you have stories, just make the time to write them.
I’m not telling you to stay. I’m just saying that if you’re seeking the kind of discomfort that challenges you — start writing now. Give yourself a goal, whether 1,000 words a day, or a clear result of short story drafts at one per month, a portfolio in a year.
Is it really so easy that you’d have to go to the Philippines to write? (You’re most welcome here of course).
September 13, 2010 at 10:45 am
I do write where I am. Frankly, without a bit of writing to supplement class time, I’d probably die of boredom…
But I was mostly joking about the third-world country option. To get anywhere as a writer, I need to be around people who can help me move forward. I won’t rule out a big city like Tokyo or Osaka, but for the most part, this means going to a place where everyone speaks English.
So, hey, maybe I will go to the Philippines to write.
September 13, 2010 at 11:52 am
So basically, you’re bored of the routine work you’ve been having right now. You want to be adventurous, and you fell that you need to do everything that you wanted to do before your capabilities and lifespan fail you. I understand that. It’s just that the world you’re about to discover isn’t as forgiving as you think it is.
Then again, it’s part of enjoying the life you choose to live, right?
September 13, 2010 at 12:10 pm
I realize that I’m totally filling the “idealistic youth charging headfirst into the dark” image.
Maybe if I was a few years older, I’d be eager to stay here and try to make a comfortable nest in Japan.
But you’re right; I want to choose my life and come what may, rather than simply falling into a certain lifestyle because I found it the least troublesome. “To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.” That’s what I want to believe in.
September 13, 2010 at 3:59 pm
I’m reminded of that scene in the movie Orange County, where Sean realizes that he doesn’t need to go to Stanford to become a writer… ^^
@2DT about the few years older bit… I’m not so sure. I don’t think we can be satisfied with a less dynamic life just because we get older, actually I think it’s the opposite and maybe that’s why people find themselves unhappy later in life. Some people have an innate sense to settle down, and others don’t… now to keep reading this thread ^^
September 13, 2010 at 11:12 am
Well I’ve been thinking of what to write here but just keeps getting too damn personal. So leaving my issues aside, I do agree that it is best for you to return to US if you want to go big as a writer, meet people who can carry you far (one thing that makes the impossible happen is your connection). Anyway, good luck!
September 13, 2010 at 11:28 am
You know, I think this is a concept that doesn’t immediately occur to Americans, even though it should.
I’m not a NEET, and I’m not a miserable wage slave using the Internet as an escape. But I’m scared to death that it could happen to me. So I keep moving like I’m running from the plague… Neurotic of me, maybe, but that’s why this is a Diary entry.
September 13, 2010 at 12:29 pm
well I guess I am at a “miserable wage slave” stage right now (although part-time makes it less stressful than it was in Korea). But we all have to work our way up, although I am starting to sense that I don’t have enough passion nor talent to make it as big, maybe settle for ‘pretty good’ with a small firm haha.
September 13, 2010 at 12:48 pm
You’re not in Korea now? Where are you, if you don’t mind my asking?
September 13, 2010 at 1:13 pm
i’m back in Sydney for masters degree, but decided to do some more working. Hopefully I can go back there though, I do enjoy living there more (not really the horrible working condition part…)
September 13, 2010 at 11:55 am
It’s funny, ya’know – my life has been the same way for at least 8 years now, so you’d think it’d feel stagnant. At times, it has, but really, I don’t feel like I’m not doing enough in my daily life – largely because I’m so devoted to anime and blogging and such. As long as I keep seeing new anime, that’s like my equivalent to seeing new places and always awakening something different within myself.
Reality bores me too much, or maybe I’m a boring guy. My parents have wanted to take the whole family on a vacation for years, but they can’t ever figure out where to take us because my brothers and I really aren’t that fascinated by other places. Only recently did they finally think of taking us to L.A. since they love it there, and I thought, that’s probably where I’ll end up living one day.
Because I won’t lie, my city is boring as fuck, and it gets to me sometimes. My friends and I can never find anything to do. We hang out at FYE and Barnes and Noble, sometimes the mall if we can’t avoid it. Nothing exciting happens here, like Mabase with it’s giant iron. I’d like to live in a big city just because I’m the type of guy who wants to see all those concerts and movie screenings and such that only come to big cities, and I want some options of where to spend an afternoon.
But that’s it. I’m not really jizzed for the idea of travelling the world. When I graduated high school, my uncle sent me a letter urging my to use my youth to see more of the world and go on a cross-country bike ride. I thought, that sounds nice, because I love riding my bike and taking in the surroundings, but I don’t feel like the sensation would be any stronger anywhere else than it is here.
I dunno, maybe it’s that I haven’t seen any interesting cities. Maybe once I’ve been to L.A., I’ll suddenly want to visit other places. But I dunno.
September 13, 2010 at 12:55 pm
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this expatriate life, it’s that you tend to take yourself wherever you go. No matter how exotic or exciting the locale, if you’re a homebody, then generally a homebody you will remain.
But maybe a little change of scenery is just what you need. And you can rarely do better than LA for that, in my opinion.
Wonderful food, beautiful architecture, cool spots of all kinds. I hope you have a great time!
September 13, 2010 at 11:59 am
Lol afraid of being a miserable wage slave is very typical of quarter-lifers and boomerangs.
but you got to start somewhere… Like stop running away and enjoy your eternal existence at being uncomfortable.
September 13, 2010 at 1:02 pm
Believe me, I’m SO painfully aware of how typical a twenty-something I am.
But I’m kind of hoping this entry speaks to some people because of that, too.
I’m sure someday I’ll stop and realize that it wouldn’t have killed me to just relax and enjoy myself a little. But that day isn’t today.
September 13, 2010 at 1:24 pm
Since you live out in the boondocks I guess you don’t interact with salarymen much? I dunno.
It’s always something I found interesting in how culturally they are treated as a group, and it’s something young adults in developing countries can learn a thing or two from.
September 13, 2010 at 1:29 pm
Hmm. Care to elaborate, actually? I’m not quite sure what you’re getting at right now, but it sounds like an interesting thread, and I want to follow.
September 13, 2010 at 3:38 pm
You can start by googling, actually. It’s a bit of a cultural footnote, but it has some significance relevant to your post.
I think Slum Online has a little paragraph that deals with this, which suits the mentality of a becoming young adult IMO.
September 13, 2010 at 12:09 pm
I’m sort of an artist (art teacher). I’ll switch with you in a second. Just give me 2 years to brush up on my Japanese, which is so bad it’s pretty much non-existent.
September 13, 2010 at 12:46 pm
See my reply to Valence below. Why switch with me when you can join me?
September 13, 2010 at 12:30 pm
Well, if you can switch professions from being a teacher to being an artist so easily, you sure have talent. Nice to see people pursue their dreams these days, not just remaining stagnant for the sake of it.
September 13, 2010 at 12:44 pm
Talent’s arguable. Naivete and youthful recklessness, though, I have in spades! ;D
Being a foreign English teacher in Japan doesn’t require amazing skill. JET’s one of the best programs in terms of pay and benefits, and it requires zero actual teacher training. In the private sector or at universities, you might need TESL certification and conversational Japanese, but those aren’t too hard to get.
Stagnation… That’s a good way of putting it. That’s definitely what I don’t want.
September 13, 2010 at 1:38 pm
Keep moving forward! The day you stop is the day you wither! Leverage your destiny and talent as best as you can–to live past tomorrow!
I think I already wrote a post about this. Nothing has changed.
September 13, 2010 at 3:55 pm
BELIEVE IN YOU WHO BELIEVES IN YOURSELF!
WHO THE HELL DO WE THINK YOU ARE?!
YOURS IS THE DRILL THAT CREATES THE HEAVENS!
September 14, 2010 at 10:23 am
Yes, a thousand times yes. I’m glad we’re on the same page.
September 13, 2010 at 4:17 pm
“You’re like so freaked out right now, you’re like running for the door…” (something from Garden State, and if you’ve seen the film, you probably know about that “stepping into uncertainty” the characters come to accept)
I find there are two ways to look at this: 1) Who and where you are. 2) Who you are with.
Seemingly, it’s better to have both going for you, and I think Lawrence and Holo have that. For a single person (are you single/unattached?), #1 is the driver until #2 comes along. I mentioned [above] that people might grow unhappy with a less dynamic lifestyle, but I truly believe many hope for, seek, and find someone who they can exist with, together in uncertainty. With that it likely doesn’t matter where you are or what you’re doing… you can be fulfilled.
Unfortunately, I don’t think you [or me] are there, and so we feel like chasing the sun, and avoiding the static experience of everyday. IMO, it is a kind of wanderlust, though we might not wander very far, we want to seek adventures in normalcy. So long as you feel invigorated by it, what’s the issue? We can relish in chasing our shadows AND function normally as a member of society, so why not do it.
Cheers!
Side note: I get this from my mother, who still is wandering around the country experiencing adventures in normalcy… she tried to settle down in 2008, but after a year she couldn’t stay in one spot, she quit her job (good $$$ too) right in the middle of this poor economy, and started wandering again… non-static lifestyle was just that important for her. I’m glad though…
September 14, 2010 at 10:26 am
Oh, honey, you have NO idea.
My very first Diary entry was about that: http://2dteleidoscope.wordpress.com/2009/09/25/diary-of-an-anime-lived-coping-with-video-girl-ai/
I’m not as lonely and isolated here as I used to be, but I’m definitely missing the “who you’re with” part. But you’re right; I can still be happy chasing the sun.
I like your attitude, Mr. Ryan.
Cheers.
September 13, 2010 at 4:50 pm
Very nice personal post. I think you’ve inspired me to write a similar one…
All I want out of life is to find a decent job that allows me to live comfortably. I don’t have to be a millionaire, just enough so I can indulge in (anime) luxuries when I want to and still have time/money for the necessities. That’s really all I want and I wouldn’t feel any need to change or “move forward” if I could have this lifestyle now or later. Not sure if this is something you would do or the total opposite =P Life should be enjoyed, whether it means continual progress or sticking with a routine you like. Depends on the person and their circumstances I suppose.
But hey, wherever you decide to go in the next year, I wish you the best of luck and I hope we can meet again whenever you make it back to the good ‘ol US~ Unlike many people, you’ve got a lot of options to choose from. Hope you can find the lifestyle that makes you happy =) (I want to give novel writing a try one day too).
September 14, 2010 at 10:32 am
I think we might be diametrical opposites… Or maybe not. Honestly, I do feel like, deep down, I might have the desire to settle down and just be happy living quietly. But another part of me wants to curb-stomp that part of me and run screaming into the night. Know what I mean?
But I know I should be thankful, too. Thanks for keeping me in check.
September 13, 2010 at 8:16 pm
I think I am having the opposite problem I want to be a wage slave and have a steady source of income as I already went on an adventure, a military one but an adventure nonetheless. Maybe the military has made me older but as a fellow twenty something I felt similar when I graduated. I wanted to do a whole lot and see the world try new things, I got my wish and as the adage goes be careful what you wish for because it might just come true.
Still there is nothing stopping you from being a writer and you still have a source of income. As for getting professional connections look within you expat community you might find someone with publishing experience. When I was rotting out in the desert I talked to other reservists who had different professional backgrounds and I learned a few things that proved useful.
I you really need a change of scenery look into teaching in Kuwait. I met a History teacher that ended up teaching English so its kind of like what you do I guess. As locals go the Kuwaitis all speak English and they seem to have some odd publishing choices. If Mein Kampf can get a new print run there I am sure you can get a decent shot there.
Your other option would be to write Warhammer fiction, the stuff is pretty awful but if you want to be published that bad I am sure you can at least do better than them.
Besides you’re still young your life isn’t over yet and you are as young as you feel. There is life after thirty so your clock ain’t ticking that bad unless you are under pressure to marry as well.
September 14, 2010 at 10:39 am
I think I’d like to get away from ESL for a while, actually. But I didn’t know people in Kuwait speak English! That’s fascinating. Thank you.
I have a couple of friends who served in Iraq, so I know seeing the world has its limits. I’m lucky to have gone from one peaceful country to another. But there’s still so much to do.
I wouldn’t say there’s pressure to marry, but people are beginning to worry for me.
But let them worry. I want to live.
September 13, 2010 at 8:17 pm
I’ve been an expatriate in the USA for about 10 years, and I’m currently in the first stage of a career I find rewarding but also regretfully burdensome (both professionally and personally) at the same time. I know something of what you described in your post, and I’m afraid it never completely goes away, even when you’ve found your “dream” job. But after a while being comfortable doesn’t look too bad, in fact it might be fun — it’s the simple grace of coming home each day that’s something I look forward to. I guess that’s why I like the anime ARIA so much, becomes everyone has a home and hearth to come back to.
By all means keep moving and exploring, although I couldn’t agree more with the words of Stephen Sondheim, who has one of his characters tell another, “It’s not so much do what you like as it is that you like what you do.” Oh, and think twice about the MFA — speaking as someone who encounters people with them or working towards them on a regular basis, I find it tends to boost writers’ egos without necessarily improving their writing or their salaries, eh-heh…
September 15, 2010 at 8:21 am
I already have something like ten MFA schools on my “to apply” list, so it’s a little late for that advice… But for you, I’ll try to keep my ego in check.
I’m also reminded of a story about a man who spent his whole life looking for a particular blue bird, only to fail, return home and find the bird nesting on a tree next to his house… But really, how horribly depressing is that?
September 13, 2010 at 10:01 pm
Is this a sign of being grown-up? Worrying about the future? I can’t offer any advice really, but perhaps the fact that I’m in an ‘in-between’ situation as well might be of some comfort to you. I hope.
I’m currently torn between a job that’s secure and humdrum, or taking the plunge and chancing it with a new career in a new town. I’ll still be near family and friends of course, but I’ve come to realise that where I am is a dead end and at some point I’ll have to face that fact. I’ve decided to face it sooner so now I’m sending off those applications and hoping for an interview.
The message I get from Spice and Wolf is the old adage of having loved and lost being better than not having loved at all. As in my ‘professional’ life, such as it is, I think it is better to have experienced something than letting the opportunity to experience it pass you by, even if the experience involves some degree of pain or regret.
The worst-case scenario is that you wind up in Japan again, doing what you’re doing now after trying something new and discovering that the new thing won’t work out (I’m not qualified to suggest it won’t, mind!). Would the act of coming back to it be such a bad thing?
September 15, 2010 at 8:39 am
You know, this is true. I can always go back. I ran into this problem when I was buying new glasses the other day, and my friend told me, “Relax, you aren’t going to be wearing these forever and ever. And there is such a thing as having a second pair.” If I do the writer thing for a few years and realize I was never happier than when I was an eigo teacher, then it’s back to Japan I go. Thank you for the perspective.
Good luck!
September 13, 2010 at 10:03 pm
A guitar lies on the messy bed, I’m next to it, writing this. It’s the guitar I picked up when I was fourteen. There was this friend then who someday got one and was king shit on the playground for strumming out some Nirvana, made me realize “hey I can do that too” and save up for some cheap ass chinese wood.
People tell me I’m good but I don’t believe them, because they wouldn’t know good music if it hit them right between their rotten ears. Wanted to go to music college, was rejected because I played not enough of what they wanted. Got into engineering school, failed because all I did was rather wanting to play guitar.
Bands ? Oh yeah, alright. Basement jams that went nowhere. Too many too count. Getting the looks at jazz auditions. I know I suck. Yeah, we really oughta do something together! You call me, right ? Sure. I’ll show myself out. O-K, trying something different then. Punk, that shit’s easy for me, right ? So are a habit-forming substances, I learned. Here’s this Pop/Rock band and on the verge of breaking into big. We make all the right moves, our sound is mainstream and we do everything our producer tells us to appease the label. Too bad, they fire your sorry ass because “you’re holding them back and don’t fit the image”. And don’t let the door hit your ugly ass. Joined up some dead-end Metalbands. You ever know how fucking depressing it is when you’re whacked out on stage moving around more than the audience ? You’re a fucking joke, man. And they’re not even laughing. Ruined my shit in debt to finance albums that nobody cares to buy. Hell, nobody even fucking cares enough to pirate them on filesharing networks. One day you realize all the new music you like to listen to is made by people younger than you. When the hell did that happen ? And what the fuck did I do in the meantime ? Realize you’re grown up. Whatever the fuck that is ? I always grew up listening to Metallica. Oh well, they suck now anyways..
Years later, you trudge from your shitty apartment to your shitty job and back to your shitty apartment just to spend your money on the fucking drugs that make it seem like this is just some goddamn nightmare and when you wake up you’re a fucking rockstar. OH YOU’RE THE FUCKING GREATEST when you’re high. You still can’t write a single song worth shit. Because you fucking DON’T HAVE ANYTHING WORTHWILE TO SAY.
You spend your days listening to your old tapes over and over again, oh that was totally cool, right ? Remember when we did.. ? Yeah. It’s the only thing I want to remember anymore.
Some days you just want to smash that fucking piece of shit guitar. It’s alright, man. Better get smashed again. You load up and float on the same chord over and over for hours, or however long it takes you to puke all over your amplifier. Sometimes the fucking neighbors come knocking down your door first.
Soundtrack of your life, man.
Some days it’s fine. You have enough else to do. It’s just a damn hobby. Nah, you never really wanted to make it big anyways. Because if you really did, you would’ve practiced more. You would’ve totally written all those songs that were ‘too easy’ for you. You would’ve used all the missed chances. You would’ve put up with all those goddamn jackasses for the fucking connections.
Nah, man, it’s alright. I’m cool. I even bought new strings for my guitar. It’s been months. Still sounds like shit, hm. Some jack will help with that.
Then you’re sober again and that cute girl in the park asks you to play the latest Green Day after you probably bored her to death with Muddy fucking Waters, and you hate them all over again, and some old bandmates call you up for a reunion but you can’t hold down a chord if you’re not on jack and they’re NOT COOL with that, well fuck you too you’re FUCKING SQUARES who’ll never make it anyway, and you hate all of them even more, and you go home to your apartment where the only thing that’s not already reeking moldy is your fucking guitar and you hate them all because they don’t understand and you hate yourself because there’s fucking nothing to understand, just you and your goddamn toy and sometimes you don’t even know anymore which is which.
You hate them because they haven’t told you soon enough that the pain of letting go isn’t worth the pain of holding on whatever the fuck your dream is. You didn’t grow up to be a goddamn football star. You never even started the novel you had planned out in your head for years. That place you always wanted to travel will probably turn out to be shit if you can ever afford to go there. Nobody cares about your fucking drawings. And your music sucks, you talentless hack.
You hate them for not having knocked you over the head hard enough years ago, because then you would have committed yourself completely, or backed the fuck off. You never wanted THIS. You wanted to at least go out burning brightly instead of simmering away in your lonely corner until you’re a fucking overcooked stew of resentment and regret.
But it’s alright, man.
Someday.
September 14, 2010 at 2:29 am
Jesus, I feel like I just read Welcome to the NHK all over again. Which is good.
September 14, 2010 at 11:29 am
This reminds me of that scene from Kaiji where the guy talks about losers who waste their lives waiting for the moment when they can unleash their “true power,” only to grow old and die realizing that they lost their chance a long time ago.
At first I thought you were writing about yourself, and I thought, “oh my god, you poor man!” But then I realized this was you unleashing your secret writer powers to try and tell me something important. And I appreciate that.
September 13, 2010 at 10:44 pm
It doesn’t matter if it’s just some part of youth telling you to run off and see what you can be as long as you want it. It won’t kill you. Maybe give you hardship, maybe not, but never kill you.
Go for your dreams, 2-DT!
September 15, 2010 at 8:47 am
Well, there are ways to die that don’t involve your heart stopping, I suppose… But yes, dreams, I’m going for them! Thanks!
September 14, 2010 at 12:08 am
[...] by 2DT’s recent post, I’ve realized that I have yet to write my own post in the Diary of an Anime Lived series. [...]
September 14, 2010 at 3:06 am
If you’re that bored, you can go boar hunting with me in Cali. I’ve never gone hunting before, but yeah. :V
September 15, 2010 at 8:50 am
That sounds interesting! I’m not very keen on taking life with my own hands, but who knows? At least I’ll be in the area.
September 14, 2010 at 3:28 pm
So I’m a thirty something now. (well, early thirty anyway), and for the past 8 years, working in the video game industry, I’ve come to regret one single thing – not getting up and leaving.
Not that I don’t like working in the games industry. Not that I don’t like where I’m living. I like it too much.
I have fallen into that comfortable existence. And your speculation is right. It gets hella boring. I ended up distracting myself through several mediums, including video games, blogging, and anime.
I try to express my “individuality” by drawing anime, when really my skills are falling stagnant.
Once in a while, I fall into a depressive state, wondering “what am I doing all this for? This isn’t where I want to be.” but can’t think of any other options.
I feel trapped, but comfortable. My existence doesn’t feel like pain or suffering, because well… it’s not really that bad.
But from another perspective, this state is probably the most insidious, poisonous state to be in. Next thing you know, a decade of your life has gone by, and that decade might as well have been a single day.
Some people say the opposite – when you’re not rooted, you don’t have a foundation to build anything. Then the years go by, and you have nothing to show for it. But then my question is “who are you trying to show it to?”
Most of us have been so indoctrinated with traditional and socially accepted concepts that anything outside of that norm seems absurd, or impossible.
“Lost sight of who he was”? That’s the whole point. You don’t want to be who you were a year ago. Heck, you don’t want to be who you were yesterday. Eventually, when you take the time to sit down and think about where/who you are, you’ll find that you’ve changed, and that is a good thing.
So move on, my friend. Keep moving, keep exploring. You will eventually find your place in the world. But until then, everything that you do, you will be growing and learning from it.
September 15, 2010 at 8:57 am
Wow. You know, when I first read your blog and saw that you worked in the game industry, I thought, “Now this must be a happy guy who realized his dreams.” And now it turns out to be wrong! It’s kind of earth-shattering.
But, I suppose it leads to some advice I can really believe in. Thanks. I’m going to do just that.
September 16, 2010 at 6:14 pm
A lot of people think that the games industry is glamorous. It’s partly true. Without the passion for games, it’s just another desk job.
The problem with the games industry isn’t so much the type of work we do (that part rocks). But the absolute infancy of management techniques incompetence. It really ruins a good thing.
I do enjoy working on games, yes. And when I am sitting at my desk, creating artwork that I see come to life on an interactive medium, it’s one of the most satisfying things you could ever hope for in a job.
The problem comes in the drudgery of routine. Every day it’s the same. Every day, you’re looking at the same character model, testing the same scene, talking to the same people about the same problems that never get solved due to poor management. This kind of thing turned me off from the games industry and was one of the reasons I chose to pursue my own business.
If I had, instead of being a loyal dog living a comfortable existence in the same company for 6+ years, actually moved on and tried other companies, I may not be in this state.
Congratulations on making your choice! I wish you the best of luck in your longest journey!
September 15, 2010 at 2:04 am
“Sometimes, travelers turn into poets, 2DT.”
SHAMELESSLY taken from ghostlightning’s post on the 3rd episode of Kino no Tabi|Kino’s Journey.
September 15, 2010 at 9:01 am
It’s well-said. I liked that post, too.
September 15, 2010 at 8:00 pm
I know what you mean. I always have felt like I couldn’t truly grow and change without making a change in scenery; I get this sense in myself that its time to leave and move along with my life, even when I feel pretty comfortable with things as they are.
September 16, 2010 at 12:10 pm
On the other hand, we could just be terminally bad at sticking with things.
September 16, 2010 at 3:03 pm
Very true.
September 16, 2010 at 1:23 pm
Well, some people have that ambition to keep pushing and challenging themselves, some people don’t and just want to find the balance between hard-work and comfort to settle down at — it’s great you have your dreams and would chase after them, but please don’t judge others just because their personalities are unambitious by nature (=_= )
There are a lot more where Yumeka comes from. They’re not “career slackers”, they’ve simply found their peace of mind.
September 16, 2010 at 8:52 pm
People who just want to work to maintain a comfortable life are perfectly fine! That’s a legitimate life goal– not one I share, exactly, but not one I’m going to look down on people for. Despite what I said about the walking dead stuff, please give me some credit and understand that I’m not looking around and seeing zombies everywhere.
When I say “NEET” and “moratorium,” there are some very specific and, I believe, very judgment-worthy concepts being evoked. More than just being unambitious, they’re too indecisive and afraid to conclude if they’re ambitious or not. They continue to live in their parents’ basement not because they like it there, but because it’s a hassle to figure out how to get out. Does that make more sense?
September 17, 2010 at 1:02 am
Diary of an Anime Lived, eh? I’ve got to try it sometime.
Anyways, it seems like the next few years will be huge in determining your distant future. No one wants to regret spending years, even decades doing something they don’t want to. At the same time, some people enjoy the comfort of a steady job and the minimal changes in their lifestyle.
It sounds like you, however, want to get out. You don’t want to just waste away doing something you think is comfortable. Even if it’s comfortable, doesn’t mean that it’s the best thing out there–right? That’s a tough decision, really, and I support you in any decision you make. If you really want to be a writer, answer the call and start writing. Of course, you don’t need me telling you that, do you?
For me, though, I’m not quite that “idealistic,” per se. Though it’s in the far-off, distant future for me, I want to do something I’m passionate it–but something that I know will feed me. I can still partake in the passions, but having food in my stomach as well as my future family’s is something I regard as extremely important.
Final thing, I promise:
It kind of makes me sad that I did the exact same thing as Lawrence, but nothing turned out quite right. That’s life, I guess.
(By the way, this might have been my favorite post thus far. It’s personal and deep; it forces me to think from your point of view while still pondering about how I might do the same.)
September 20, 2010 at 11:27 am
I was so sure when I first posted this entry that it would be one of my worst, most obscure and most unpopular. But I often think that, so maybe I just have self-esteem issues.
Still, it’s wonderful to me that you enjoyed this so much. Thanks.
You know, when I was your age (yeah, I said it, get ready for a metric ton of BS), I believed very strongly in an article Danny Choo wrote, where he said it was important to realize what was most important to you in life and to simply go for it.
But at the time I believed, as Mr. Choo does, that having money and a comfortable life was most important to me. Nowadays, while I won’t spit on a decent salary, I know that just isn’t true.
So maybe someday, you’ll find yourself thinking like I do. Or maybe you won’t.
September 18, 2010 at 2:01 am
The grass is always greener on the other side.
Madness has its charms, mind you, but it has disadvantages too. There is much to be said for a structured, successful existence. If I lived my dreams, it would be more like living a nightmare.
(“But nightmares are fun,” says I, to which I answer, “I agree, but… no.”)
Some people say, “live your dream,” and other people say, “get a professional job and settle down.” Who is right? I don’t know. It depends. The decisions that a person makes should be tailored to their own character traits.
Furthermore, I find “life messages” to be unhelpful. Most of these “life messages” are just words that people use to justify their own experiences. They’re not there to help you with your problems. They’re there because someone did something successful, and now that person wants to brag about it to the world. Whatever they did worked for them, which is good, but it may not work for you.
September 20, 2010 at 11:31 am
Yes, but that doesn’t make me feel better at all! Give me an easy canned answer that justifies whatever crazy thing I want to do right now!
September 21, 2010 at 12:50 am
There’s certainly nothing impractical about what you’re trying to do. The fact that so many people are drawn to your blog shows that you have some real talent for writing, and the ability to create on a regular basis given the right context.
But as someone who spends a large percentage of his time advising graduate students about their careers (obvious caveat: that doesn’t mean I’m any good at it, or that I always follow my own advice), the first thing I would say to your entreaty (I know it’s half-facetious) is that it’s hard to give a canned answer when there isn’t a canned question to respond to.
That doesn’t mean you need to write up a strategic plan, and it’s fine to be unsure about what kind of artist you want to be – you still seem to have time. But it’s also not the greatest thing to plunge into something without having a fairly specific idea of what is motivating your next steps. For someone who doesn’t have a particular vocation in mind, it would often be learning more about particular facets of yourself than viewing it as career step. Increasingly, you can find out about the external world through research on the internet or elsewhere, but it’s more difficult to predict how your character would react to a particular environment, which is the process through which one gets a more concrete sense of your goals in life. And at some point within the next several years, if you want to affect the world around you in some non-trivial way, you will have to choose a path and determine to stick to it to the end (except for the exceptionally lucky, there is no equivalent of a harum ending in the contemporary world). So what you might think about is – what are the main things I don’t know about myself that would allow me to make such a choice? What environment would “test” me (OK this now sounds kind of shonen action) so that I could find out these things? And how am I willing to take to get answers to those questions? Another point I’d usually make is that, broadly speaking, one of three things can happen (1) you find out what you want to know, and have a more specific idea of where to move on next, (2) even though you haven’t found the answers you wanted, too much time has passed, and you need to rethink and move on, (3) not only are your questions answered, but you find that you get are getting a sustained sense of achievement and satisfaction from what you’re doing. If you get to (3), you’ll be very lucky and for almost anyone, I would advise staying put, since it’s pretty hard to achieve in life.
October 7, 2010 at 9:43 am
Frankly, this post terrified me at first.
I’m often told ‘work hard now, get a stable job in the future. Settle down, have children, be merry.’ – that’s really standard fare when it comes to adults’ advice to kids. I had hoped the fabled quarter/mid-life-crisis didn’t actually exist.
Right now, I’m avoiding realizing my worth; little kids embrace that limitless future, they grow disillusioned, realizing they can’t be the firefighter, the astronaut, and the games designer all at once. But I’m still doing fairly well at school, and am thus stuck in a state of limbo where I’m avoiding any notions of potentiality. I know I’ll only settle for one thing and that with my current hopes I’ll be naught but disappointed, but I’ll let it disappoint me then. Part of me wants that distinction, most of me knows I’ll have to get over the idea of integrating into the workforce. That too is procrastination.
And that’s why it terrified me – this post is not only a foretelling of another stage of my life, but the foretelling of that foretelling of the future. I’m now introduced to the concept of attaining fruition, and then still being tormented by inadequacy. I tell everyone who asks me, ‘I want to be a writer, I want to be a writer’; my vision has never exceeded that. In that sense, my concept of ‘work’ is pretty primitive. You’d think it’d be the idea that logically follows, but I’ve honestly never considered becoming uncomplacent with whatever text-heavy job and lifestyle I settle for, in the event I do successfully attain it.
Of course, that’s not to say I’m against your plans. The self-testing journey is infinitely romantic, and I’m a hundred percent behind anything romantic. I started pumping fists when I read “I want to be an artist. A writer.” Most people seem to want to dismiss it, since there are so many constraints to compromising stability, be it ideologically or even monetarily. But we’re in an age of institutionalization, media conformity and borrowed ideals, right? I say go for it if you’re able to. Find yourself within it all. It’ll be important.
I’d like to hear how I would’ve responded to this a few months ago, but right now I’m in a positive mood. In fact, maybe I’m even brave enough to say if I ever feel the need to challenge myself thusly in the future I would treasure the hardships of it. That I look forward to it as another part of this life.
Aristotle did say one has to be fifty to be old enough for metaphysics (or was that Plato?) – success or failure, I think (I hope) it’ll be another enriching experience to reflect on later.
October 8, 2010 at 4:49 am
“When does a man die? When he is hit by a bullet? No. When he suffers a disease? No. When he ate a soup made out of a poisonous mushroom? No! A man dies when he is forgotten!”
October 10, 2010 at 4:37 pm
I can’t believe I missed this post before. It brings up so many feelings about my own life and what I really want to do with it.
As of right now, I feel like my future is on a standstill; nothing’s moving. I guess… unlike Lawrence, I am just too afraid to take that chance.
October 11, 2010 at 6:25 am
I’m quite afraid myself… The trick is to be more afraid of moratorium.
At least if you go to med school, you’ll definitely be moving forward. It’s just a question of if that’s the particular direction you want to go.